We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
