so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
