My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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