Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
