one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
