$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
