I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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