I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
