saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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