he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
