if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
