He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
