I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
