In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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