i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
