Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Randomize
