Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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