white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
