Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
