WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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