She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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