u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
