My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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