When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
MIDGETS
????
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
