I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
