Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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