I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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