Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
