Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
