I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
