fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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