my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
