you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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