If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
