I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Randomize
