hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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