how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
