I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
