Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
