yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
soo... how was my night?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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