who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
