think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
