you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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