I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
