I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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