You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
