Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
