I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
you didnt know i had herpes?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
