I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
