I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
